Aha

I was asked a question last week that moved me to tears. It goes to the heart of blooming where one is planted.

In many ways my mother had a difficult life. Some of it was - as I've learned as an adult - a result of her own actions, some of it was due to the inevitable vagaries we all face in life simply because we are alive. The former can be the seeds of regrets, the latter the burdens we have to bear. Without going into the specifics of each of these categories, let me just say that the conversation I had last week involved speculating on some of her actions and choices so they fall into the former category.

The person I was talking to, who never knew my mother and has only others' perspectives to go on, asked me a question I had apparently never considered. It was: "do you think your mother was happy?" For whatever reason those seven words knocked the wind out of me. Snatches of conversations past with my mother floated into my consciousness as did  images of situations with her over a lifetime. What paraded through my mind resulted in a less certain answer to that specific question than I would have hoped. All these things that had been in memory (accurate or not) showed a picture that had never taken this particular shape before. Yet I had a new insight into a woman who died a lifetime ago but who is still often with me and who I still miss talking to. I suddenly saw her as my inspiration for blooming where you are planted. For letting go of the past you cannot change and making the best of what you have in the moment, wherever you are. For crafting a good (even if not fully happy) life with what is available rather than seeking to recreate the lives and happinesses of others.

Perhaps I'm romanticizing what was undoubtedly at times very difficult. As was pointed out by another friend recently, we can never really know our parents - or anyone - people are just too complex and multi-faceted. We can barely know ourselves. However this insight into how and why my mother lived as she did feels right and I accept it gratefully.

Happy? New? Year?

I truly was not ready to accept that another year had passed last night, let alone another decade. It's all going too fast, despite my best efforts to live a slow life. And truly I'm not sure there is too much that will  be new in 2010 that is really important. There will still be problems craving solution. And surprises good and bad. There will be ups and downs. There will be births and deaths. There will be happiness and sadness. All of this we know. So what?!

Is it possible that someone, somewhere will act in a way that will make a huge positive difference in how we all - and I do mean all - live in the world? Or does it fall to each of us to act in ways that make small positive differences that ripple out and connect over time and space to make a huge, positive changes in how we live in the world.? I believe it's the latter. Each of us contributes to the whole. Each of us makes differences in ways that we don't recognize or will never know.

Bottom line....in 2010 I will remember that what I do does matter. It does have an impact even if I never see it. So paying attention and asking ---- "just because I can, should I?" ----is important.